Answering Zuckerberg’s Call for Masculine Energy

Mark Zuckerberg says we need more “masculine energy” in today’s corporate culture, which presumably includes the tech industry to which he belongs. I’m now retired, but even so, I question whether I’m doing my part for the cause of corporate machismo. I sense that I am at odds with the zeitgeist.

Am I sufficiently virile in my emeritus incarnation? I have my doubts, occasionally to a psychologically crippling degree.

When I meet former colleagues at restaurants, coffee houses, or pubs, I never insist that we stand at the bar for the duration of the banquet, in the venerable tradition of the Paleolithic hyper-macho executives that frequented the caves of Cabletron Systems (may it rest in confrontational peace).

What’s wrong with me? Do I lack the back strength and the willpower to stand for extended periods of time while eating and drinking? The answers are yes and yes, and now I must live with the anguish of failing to stand — figuratively and literally — my ground.

I don’t even use all-caps and SHOUT ABUSIVELY, SPRINKLING IN THE OCCASIONAL OBSCENITY, AT MY READERS AND INTERLOCUTORS. Where are my threats of blackmail, violence, extortion, intimidation, and other swaggering forms of mob-boss braggadocio? I don’t have any, dear reader. I am depressingly bereft of gangster malevolence.

From the Waiter Rule to Arbitrary Layoffs

I remember the days of noblesse oblige when aristocrats and corporate executives would abide by the “Waiter Rule,” which posited that one's true character is revealed by how one treats staff or service workers, including waiters. That might be a quaint notion these days, with Zuckerberg terminating his employees with the clinical detachment of a corporate assassin. I wonder how he interacts with baristas or waiters, presuming he ever comes into contact with them?

Perhaps I am truly yesterday’s man, awash in sentimental nostalgia for the long-dead days of personal and professional courteousness, dignity, empathy, respect, and at least a modicum of decorum.

That last word, however — decorum — originated as a literary term, derived from Latin. Therefore, it is suspect in the age of Technology Maximus, a neologism that is admittedly derived from both Greek and Latin, but one that sounds potentially menacing and brutalist. Now those are macho attributes that would make any masculine tub-thumper jump manfully for joy.

Boardroom Sumo Wrestling

IT’S TIME TO BRING SUMO WRESTLING BACK TO THE BOARDROOM! What? It was never in the boardroom? Well, there’s no time like the present. I’m sure Larry Ellison, a longtime admirer of Japanese culture, would be all for it. At his age, though, he might have to designate a proxy wrestler for budget meetings and M&A negotiations.

Zuckerberg, no shrinking violet, previously offered to fight the macho talker Elon Musk, who answered the challenge with prevarication and temporization, generally hoping the whole thing would go away. Maybe we can get this fight back on the cards, huh? There should no referee and the bout will end only when one of the two combatants taps out in shameful ignominy. After all, we have our masculine standards when it comes to cage matches, and a referee would only get in the way and muddle the picture.

Another idea: Henceforth, CEOs will be hired not on the basis of their domain expertise, strategic savvy, business acumen, or managerial prowess, but on the exclusive criterion of whether they are capable of beating other Silicon Valley executives in cage matches. The most proficient of the brawlers will get first dibs on strategic investments in startup companies.

VCs Need Some Toughening Up, Too

I’ve given the mater some deep thought — well, as much as masculine energy permits — and I’ve concluded that some of the well-fed, haute-coutured venture capitalists on Sand Hill Road might also require some toughening up. They, too, should have to submit to cage matches or sumo wrestling when competing for the affections of up-and-coming startup companies in areas such as artificial intelligence and bioscience-based male enhancements.

Can we bring back the duel? Let’s ponder the matter masculinely. According to our friends at Wikipedia, the duels in the 17th and 18th century were single-combats showdowns fought with swords. Late in the 18th century, however, duels got with the times and were fought by pistol-wielding combatants. As the 19th century progressed, some traditionalists hewed to fencing while others were on the technological cutting edge, preferring the use of firearms. Even duelists had to modernize in deference to technology’s advance.

Duels would seem to fit Zuckerberg’s bill for masculine energy, though history inconveniently records that some women also fought duels. There’s a potential catch, however: The duel was predicated on the code of honor, and I don’t think any approximation of honor is making an appearance in Silicon Valley these days. Lawyers would have to be involved, interminable litigation and tortious reprisals would ensue. Consequently, the duels would never happen, much like the much-hyped and now long-forgotten Musk-Zuckerberg cage match.

The more I think about it, I’m not sure the macho boardroom is a good idea. Before long, we’d all be smoking and drinking in the office, like extras in a bad Mad Men episode. The sideburns alone would be off-putting.

Let’s hope Zuckerberg leaves this idea in the dust the same way Musk backed away from the cage match.